Living with Intention

Most of us make new year's resolutions and promptly discard them because we lose motivation.  I'd be lying if I said things were any different this year, BUT I'm hoping that because of what my goal is, it will help.  

Living with intention means that I will think before I act, make a final decision, or speak.  It's been increasingly apparent that our kiddo hears almost everything we say even if we're whispering.  There are a lot of expressions that I personally have used over the years that she has begun repeating.  While they might be funny at home, or not funny but tolerable to us, we also know she would get in pretty big trouble if she said these things at school.  

When she was little, we worried that her dad's conversational cursing (he works in a brewery, and they curse all day long) would be an issue.  He was really good at quickly breaking that habit, but then I turned out to be the one with the bad mouth!  It's still a challenge to bite my tongue when I'm frustrated; however, we keep telling her not to repeat those words here or at school. There was one day that she spilled her water cup all over the dining table and she said something like, "Christ dammit!".  

It's not always words, though. I have been wanting to decrease my waist size for years and setting the intention to eat mindfully and get more physically active are the only ways that is ever going to happen for me.  I notice that if I write down my mental to-do list, including intentions, I am more likely to achieve those goals.  Thoughts like: "Am I really hungry, or am I just bored?"; "Am I just shoveling food into my mouth, or am I eating slow enough to notice when I'm full?"; "When is the last time I got up and moved (my fitness tracker reminds me once an hour)?"; "When is the last time I drank a full cup of water?".  If I can get myself in the habit of mentally checking in, then I can also be more present for my family members when we're all together because I've been taking care of myself.  

Last year, those two weeks that I thought I had cancer made me face reality - we don't know when our last day here is.  Especially now with all of the new strains of COVID appearing, staying in the present moment is of utmost importance.  I want to be more mindful of my contributions to my health so I know that I am taking an active role in my well-being. 

Flying by the seat of our pants is fine for social events, but for everything else, I am asking "what brings me joy?" or  if a certain outcome or choice is "speaking to me".  So far, my husband and our girl have not caught on to this concept in the least. It is my resolution, though, not theirs.  

Drowning Either Way

Last week was rough.  In fact, it seems as though the last two or three weeks have been getting progressively worse.  The thing that has been changing most is work, but I also think in general that I'm getting more depressed.  

Yesterday I cried.  Then I met up with my peeps at Liz's Where Ya At for frozen adult beverages in the new yard.  Today I'm better, although still not myself.  At one point yesterday afternoon, I was feeling philosophical and journaled about the two worst years I could think of - 2005 and 2020.  

The year of Big K, I moved across the country for a guy. We had long-distance dated for a year so we thought we were ready to be roommates and started talking about a wedding.  We learned very quickly that was not the case at all, but I had already given up everything to make it work. Admitting failure was really hard even though it was a very unhealthy relationship. That was March of 2005.  Katrina happened in August of 2005.  My parents and brother and aunt and uncle all helped my grandpa clean out his house that was destroyed by floodwaters near UNO.  It was heartbreaking and it was a terrible turning point for him.  The one small bright spot I remember from that year was that it sleeted on Christmas.  My brother and I were both at our parents and we went out in the yard and took a picture of it collecting in a tree.  

This year, while we're not literally drowning in floodwaters (although we may be after this week thanks to two storms in the Gulf at once - wth, Mother Nature?!), I feel like we're drowning in stuff.  Mental stuff, physical stuff, emotional stuff.  All the time we have at home and to think nowadays actually makes me sadder because there is no place to go when you need a quiet or a mental break.  Then I see all the crap everywhere that is mini-projects taunting me because I don't want to be doing chores all the time when I'm not at the office.  Before COVID times, we would go on field trips or weekend adventures to get away from our tiny, cluttered home.  That doesn't happen anymore.  

While I'm still not as depressed as I was in 2005, this year seems to be dragging on and phase two is going to be our way of life even into next year.  I hope that is not actually the case, but I also don't have much hope for an entrance into phase three without a step backward into phase two before it's all over.  That's my Debbie Downer for the day.  I'll be over here painting a sign with red glitter to bring some sparkle into my life that says, "FFS".  If you don't know what that stands for, you probably shouldn't ask because you won't like it.  It's my current attitude/mood.   

Self Care is Hard

If I made a mental list from my head to my toes, starting after a morning shower, I would likely still be working on things at 6 p.m.  That's how much self-care I normally don't do so it's more than just maintenance that needs doing.  The work from home life, even though it's just a few days a week, makes me much less concerned about what my eyebrows look like or if my fingernails are filed.  CBS Sunday Morning reported that deodorant sales are down during the pandemic - I haven't gotten that bad yet.  

As I age, my eyebrows are actually much easier to keep up with.  It's just a few strays on the outer edges - the middle got trained to stop growing, for the most part, a long time ago.  Leg and underarm hair seem to be growing faster as I age and unfortunately, also not thinning or becoming less coarse.  Overall, my nails and skin are getting drier - except for my forehead - and my scalp hair is changing texture.  

Over the years, I have invested in many skin products and lotions before finally getting the lowdown from my dermatologist, who set me on the right track.  Of course, I bought expensive products from her which I religiously used for the first month or two and then lost my zeal so they just sit on the bathroom counter losing potency.  I just read that Vitamin C lotion doesn't last very long to begin with, and mine has definitely changed color since I started with it.  

I've never been a girly-girl, but I realize especially because I'm a mom, that it's important to take care of myself.  That doesn't make it any easier to accomplish these things I know I should do, though.  Back to this morning: I showered, put the expensive (and probably expired) serums on my face, and trimmed and filed my fingernails.  What I didn't get around to was exfoliating my hands and elbows, putting lotion on my appendages, and most certainly not painting my fingernails a new color.  The main reason I got to do the few things I did do is that my mother-in-law kept our kid for us the whole weekend.  On a school morning, the only way I may get around to lotioning my face is if I spend an extra half hour back at home after carline.  

I know I'm not alone in this struggle, but how are we supposed to keep up with all the things our skin and body needs without sacrificing a significant amount of time?  Even if I would work from home every day or from here on out, I know that I'm just not disciplined enough to make any of this a habit.  The same can be said for any kind of fitness routine.  I need to get 30 minutes of exercise every day, and I know that it doesn't have to be all at once, which makes it even easier to accomplish, but I still don't do it.  It's one of those things that I hope my daughter does much better at than I do when she grows up, but setting the example for her is important, too.  

Independence Day 2020

Happy Birthday to me!  Yes, today I turn 42 years old.  I always see a live fireworks show and spend time with my family.  As with everything else during this "unprecedented time" this year is a little different.  There will be a live fireworks show tonight, but since we're supposed to stay in our cars to watch it, I feel like we should just stay home and I'll watch the Macy's version on TV.  

Yesterday, we went to my brother's house and celebrated his birthday (April), my niece's birthday (May), my dad's birthday (June), and my birthday with an ice cream party and some small fireworks.  The cousins got to play together for the first time in over a month and we all got to have face-to-face conversations instead of text messages or Bluetooth phone calls while driving somewhere.  

Recent phone calls with friends have centered around the rapidly approaching school year (didn't one just end?) and what things may look like as far as distance learning and childcare goes.  While there is complete stupidity on the news with college students in Alabama having parties to see who can catch COVID 19 first, there is also unsettling local instances that the virus is at our doorstep.  

A team of workers at one library branch had to do home quarantine about a month ago, and now an entirely different branch has had to close because of exposure.  Last night, I found out that someone who works in my office building has tested positive for the virus, which made me very upset.  I don't think I have worked the same days recently, but how long are the germs lingering around?  Did I just unknowingly expose my entire family at our birthday gathering yesterday?  We were all outside the majority of the time, but we all hugged and ate together (saliva spreads it).  Should I stop going into the office and go back to only working from home?  Do I need to get retested myself to see if I am a carrier?  How many times will insurance cover one person getting tested?

My husband and I got tested a few weeks ago because of the "outbreak" in Hammond bars and one of his coworkers was ill for a few days.  Thankfully, no one actually had the virus at his work and our tests came back negative.  Our daughter has been going to summer camp since they opened in June and while young kids aren't the high-risk category you hear about on the news, there's no way to know how careful other parents are being at home even though the actual camp and counselors are taking lots of precautions.  

I hope this year has a sparkle to it in some way sooner than later.  Right now it's in the small things.  I had my birthday tradition of a custard fruit tart for breakfast with my immediate family.  Yesterday I spent time with my side of the extended family, and last night we started watching "Hamilton" on Disney+.  I slept pretty well, and plan on relaxing all day at home.  

Happy Fourth of July, everybody!

Phase 2

Summer camp has finally started!  Y'all, when the meteorologists kept talking up TS Cristobal I was hoping it was just going to blow over.  We see now that didn't happen, but when camp officially started on Tuesday, I'm sure I was one of many parents who rejoiced and relished in the uninterrupted quiet for seven hours. 

I am still working from home, but I'm also experimenting with going into the office a bit more this week just because I can now.  There is a quiz on either the state or the governor's website that is for anyone to assess whether or not they should return to work yet.  Unfortunately, no matter how many times I changed my answers a smidge (Hashimoto's (autoimmune) disease, my allergy symptoms), me having asthma continuously puts me at 'high risk' and I should still be working from home as much as possible.  Maybe I'm making a mistake, but I want to keep going into the office.  I think I probably shouldn't be running errands; like, my job isn't putting me at risk but going out in public in general is.  

I would like to take the antibody test to see if I've already had the virus. Just before this was about to become the weirdest time of our lives, my daughter and I both got sick.  I felt ill enough that I used a lot of sick time from work; however, I never had fever so I wasn't eligible to get tested back then.  My allergist gave me a new inhaler and my symptoms improved; although, the nurse at the office gave me wide eyes when I mentioned I was having trouble breathing.  My daughter had a very slight fever and a cough and went to the doctor twice, but never the shortness of breath.  Together, our symptoms would have gotten us both tested, but separately we didn't meet the criteria at the time.  Now I think anyone who wants to get tested can.  

Anyway, phase two has introduced the current and more hopeful "new normal" for us.  I am looking forward to a routine that includes being healthier mentally and physically.  Days that I go into the office - the ones that my assistant isn't there, my child is at camp, and my husband is at work - will be just like a pre-COVID life workday during the school year.  Days that I work from home can include a walk or a bike ride at some point in addition to getting my thoughts together without interruption.  One friend said that if their kid is awake, they're talking.  Mine is the same way.  We mean that lovingly, of course, but there is also a lot to be said for uninterrupted thinking. 

The next thing to decide is how many face masks does one need.  I mean, it is the new fashion accessory these days, and I'm all about accessories!  

Moving Right Along

There is something perfect about a rainy summer afternoon.  When it's as hot and humid as it's been a good thunderstorm like we experienced today restores balance.  It also means I don't have to go outside and sweat while staring into the sun playing catch, or getting attacked by mosquitoes while we attempt whatever other sports in the yard.  Yes, that sounds terrible and also like I don't enjoy sports or being outside.  Quite the contrary, but I do not like the heat.  Once temperatures rise to the mid-80s, I tap out.

Today we took a fairly big step in the right direction concerning moving.  Actually, the day that hubs got a new real estate agent for his place in Scott was even bigger than this, but today we got a mini-storage!  We've only been talking about it for over a year...

I've mentioned previously that our daughter's bedroom was my former art studio.  When I bought the condo we live in, I was single and it was the perfect "starter home" for me.  Our now almost six-and-a-half year old needs more space, and I don't have a great spot or the time to do many art projects anymore.  Plus, having extra storage is forcing me to truly purge and organize what I truly want to keep.  For me at least, one of the blessings of motherhood is having a better grasp of what I spend time caring about. 

It's a family trait on my side to hoard and half finish projects.  My dad, my husband, and my sister-in-law all have to put up with their partner's ADD and clutter - but we're all creative and resourceful!  Seriously, though, and as odd as it may sound, I am glad to have the fire lit under me to really get this organizing and moving process, well, moving along!  And what better time to do something like this than a long weekend and while  I'm still mostly working from home. 

As we're likely all learning in one way or another during this unprecedented (hehe, nod to Jim Gaffigan) time - baby steps.  Everyone doesn't have to happen at once and the more we can slow down our thoughts and actions the more we can be in the present and see what is truly important. 

Persevering

We are now in week seven of this crazy new life.  I have since become a grumpy, (more) judgy, germaphobe compared to my old self.

I do think that part of my mental state is what it is because we are already cramped in this condo.  If we had a real yard and more square footage to spread out in, I think I'd lose my cool less and likely be feel more relaxed.  That's how I feel when I have visited my parents at least, and their house is almost three times the size of where we live.

After a week-long spring break, we're back to virtual classroom learning. Thankfully, there are only a few weeks left of school. The other night I registered her for summer camps, assuming they'll take place.  Of course, now with the extended stay at home order, I wonder if they'll happen at all. If not, this is going to be a very long summer.

When my husband got home from work today I just broke down and cried. Now I'm having a glass of wine. So many things and people needed my attention today, I feel like I've been playing an all day game of Twister and it's exhausting.

The longer this stay at home, live with all these restrictions goes on, the less I see a silver lining. Yes, I'm depressed and deal with anxiety regularly; however, I also am not able to imagine when or how things will go back to what they used to be. Honestly, I don't think they'll ever be exactly how they used to. Part of me is okay with that, but the not knowing what to expect at all is what's making me crazy. Practicing yoga - staying in the present moment - and getting enough exercise (which is not happening) will help, I know. Thankfully, I am able to do zoom yoga through work once a week. It's the only program I have going right now.  Planning a completely virtual summer reading program for the library is not easy since we supply everything that's needed for patrons, but I think it will all work out somehow.

Changing how our brains work that is the hardest part of all of this.  If anyone has any suggestions on how to balance the demands this is making on so many of us, please share. I'm sure we can all use a different perspective.  In the meantime, cheers!

COVID 19 Scare

Yeah, I'm just going to start with the obvious. What is happening??  I know the media is really good at scaring us, especially when it comes to weather, but I'm going to be honest, I'm a little concerned about having an autoimmune disease and this new strain of COVID 19.  I make a note of saying new strain because the virus has been around forever, just like the rhinovirus (the common cold).  Apparently, this strain is new and has no cure which is why it's taking people out.  Am I old?  No, but I'm not young, and the person who just died in New Orleans from COVID 19 was only 58 years old - only 16 years older than me.  There was not a specific cause of "underlying condition" mentioned, but I'm already immunocompromised with Hashimoto's Thyroiditis.

I've been a working mom for 6 years now.  When I was on maternity leave, I quickly realized that I could not be a stay at home mom.  The whole, "let me just roll with the punches and do whatever strikes me" thing is a little too unstructured for me, even though I do greatly appreciate the autonomy of my job.  I'm sure that's not what an actual SAHM does, but that's how I viewed it at the time.  Due to school closing for 4-weeks and having to work remotely from home, we'll also be homeschooling.

There are actual homework assignments due each week.  I'm not complaining - I think it's a great idea to keep our kids learning during this time.  Not that they aren't always learning, but you know, "school stuff".  Also, routine and structure.  That may help both of us during the next few weeks.  We can still do fun stuff, of course, but also we can also spend true quality time together rather than half paying attention trying to get things done on a school night or cram things into a weekend. 

Finally, as scary as this time seems at the moment, I do feel like it is all happening for a reason.  The "riff-raff" needs to get cleaned out of the universe.  People need to reprioritize and get rid of the clutter.  We need to see the true value of things again and be kind to one another.  That doesn't mean I'm ready to see a generation die off or put myself or loved ones at risk getting a disease, but I also believe in the greater good a situation.  My hope is that we can achieve a better work-life balance and focus on what really matters again.

Cheers to decluttering, self-care, and the coveted balance...and God have mercy on us!