Drowning Either Way

Last week was rough.  In fact, it seems as though the last two or three weeks have been getting progressively worse.  The thing that has been changing most is work, but I also think in general that I'm getting more depressed.  

Yesterday I cried.  Then I met up with my peeps at Liz's Where Ya At for frozen adult beverages in the new yard.  Today I'm better, although still not myself.  At one point yesterday afternoon, I was feeling philosophical and journaled about the two worst years I could think of - 2005 and 2020.  

The year of Big K, I moved across the country for a guy. We had long-distance dated for a year so we thought we were ready to be roommates and started talking about a wedding.  We learned very quickly that was not the case at all, but I had already given up everything to make it work. Admitting failure was really hard even though it was a very unhealthy relationship. That was March of 2005.  Katrina happened in August of 2005.  My parents and brother and aunt and uncle all helped my grandpa clean out his house that was destroyed by floodwaters near UNO.  It was heartbreaking and it was a terrible turning point for him.  The one small bright spot I remember from that year was that it sleeted on Christmas.  My brother and I were both at our parents and we went out in the yard and took a picture of it collecting in a tree.  

This year, while we're not literally drowning in floodwaters (although we may be after this week thanks to two storms in the Gulf at once - wth, Mother Nature?!), I feel like we're drowning in stuff.  Mental stuff, physical stuff, emotional stuff.  All the time we have at home and to think nowadays actually makes me sadder because there is no place to go when you need a quiet or a mental break.  Then I see all the crap everywhere that is mini-projects taunting me because I don't want to be doing chores all the time when I'm not at the office.  Before COVID times, we would go on field trips or weekend adventures to get away from our tiny, cluttered home.  That doesn't happen anymore.  

While I'm still not as depressed as I was in 2005, this year seems to be dragging on and phase two is going to be our way of life even into next year.  I hope that is not actually the case, but I also don't have much hope for an entrance into phase three without a step backward into phase two before it's all over.  That's my Debbie Downer for the day.  I'll be over here painting a sign with red glitter to bring some sparkle into my life that says, "FFS".  If you don't know what that stands for, you probably shouldn't ask because you won't like it.  It's my current attitude/mood.   

Persevering

We are now in week seven of this crazy new life.  I have since become a grumpy, (more) judgy, germaphobe compared to my old self.

I do think that part of my mental state is what it is because we are already cramped in this condo.  If we had a real yard and more square footage to spread out in, I think I'd lose my cool less and likely be feel more relaxed.  That's how I feel when I have visited my parents at least, and their house is almost three times the size of where we live.

After a week-long spring break, we're back to virtual classroom learning. Thankfully, there are only a few weeks left of school. The other night I registered her for summer camps, assuming they'll take place.  Of course, now with the extended stay at home order, I wonder if they'll happen at all. If not, this is going to be a very long summer.

When my husband got home from work today I just broke down and cried. Now I'm having a glass of wine. So many things and people needed my attention today, I feel like I've been playing an all day game of Twister and it's exhausting.

The longer this stay at home, live with all these restrictions goes on, the less I see a silver lining. Yes, I'm depressed and deal with anxiety regularly; however, I also am not able to imagine when or how things will go back to what they used to be. Honestly, I don't think they'll ever be exactly how they used to. Part of me is okay with that, but the not knowing what to expect at all is what's making me crazy. Practicing yoga - staying in the present moment - and getting enough exercise (which is not happening) will help, I know. Thankfully, I am able to do zoom yoga through work once a week. It's the only program I have going right now.  Planning a completely virtual summer reading program for the library is not easy since we supply everything that's needed for patrons, but I think it will all work out somehow.

Changing how our brains work that is the hardest part of all of this.  If anyone has any suggestions on how to balance the demands this is making on so many of us, please share. I'm sure we can all use a different perspective.  In the meantime, cheers!

Hot Mess Mardi Gras

Two years ago, my husband and I both had food poisoning from eating bad prosciutto.  He actually went to the ER for it on Lundi Gras that year.  Last year it was pretty cold because Mardi Gras was early.  This year, my husband has been working the graveyard shift and I have a sinus infection and tummy issues.  I just want to be healthy, for him to have a flexible schedule, and all of us be happy and ready to parade at this time of year.

I've already got next year's plan made - which also means it will get messed up.  Nyx and Muses will be half days of work, and Flyday and Lundi Gras I will be totally off .  We'll hopefully have someone we can use as a babysitter for the night parades, and the rain needs to stay away.  Mardi Gras is going to be early in 2018, which I highly dislike, so it could be chilly.  Of course, with this whopping two weeks of winter we've had this year, it could just as easily be 80 degrees again - at least it's sunny.

Last Friday night, we ended up cancelling our open house party for Eve because of rain.  Actually, most people cancelled themselves.  Tonight we were going to do the same thing for Orpheus, but with my issues and my husband's schedule, we decided to call it off.  Plus, there's pretty major road construction on our street right now, which could prove to be a pain in the butt even for walkers.

It's just not meant to be for us this year.  If I feel better, tomorrow our three year old and I might join some friends heading uptown for a couple of morning parades.  Sunday we'll be at a friend's house with tons of food (but no parades), and Monday kind of depends on the weather, but could be a buffet lunch with some other friends.  Things aren't terrible, I just hope I can enjoy all this food, but next year I would really like to parade a bit more.

Happy Mardi Gras, Y'all!  Stay safe, and have a great time!