Getting Older

Eight years ago today, my husband and I had our first date.  We met Halloween night as strangers in a bar, and within 24-hours we intentionally met again in a cemetery to photograph candlelit graves for All Saints Day.  After that, we went to eat dinner at a local restaurant (which we will be visiting for a meal today, as we do every year) to celebrate.  That same restaurant is where he proposed to me one year after our first date.  Our girl was born two and a half months later.  

We were in our thirties when we met.  I think a big reason we were as social as we used to be pre-COVID times is because we were still dating in a way, even though it was no longer just the two of us.  If you did the math, we didn't have much "just the two of us" time before we became parents.  Another reason we used to take so many family field trips is because of FOMO (fear of missing out).  I have an invisible to-do list that is made up entirely of experiences that gets longer and longer, the more I find out about what's going on.  

Now that we are both in our early forties, we have noticed a significant change in our bodies.  We both need to lose weight for one, but we are also finding ourselves with more aches and pains.  Keeping up with our first grader is physically challenging at times.  Current lifestyle restrictions have slowed us down a lot so we are home more and take weekends much easier than we used to.  That's probably a good thing for multiple reasons, and it's also likely made us more aware of body issues.  Ibuprofen, Aleve, heating pads, and ice packs are becoming our good friends.  

I feel guilty that we aren't able to keep up as younger parents might with their energetic children.  My parents were in their mid-thirties when I was six years old. Some of our daughter's friends have much younger parents.  On the other hand, most of our friends had kids later, too, so we're all in the same boat as far as energy levels and aging bodies go.  In that light, I feel less guilty.  Our girl loves us no matter what and doesn't know the difference between us now and us eight years ago.  

My husband gave me a card once that said, "I wish I'd have met you sooner so I could love you longer".  I wish that, too.  And there is no one else that I'd rather be getting older with than him, aches and pains or not.  

Scary and not in a Halloween way

I wasn't sure if I wanted to blog about this, but then I thought, why not?  As with any of my posts, maybe I'll help someone in some way who may be going through a similar situation.  

Full disclosure, I haven't felt "right" in over two years.  Each year I get my wellness exam and have a full workup of the blood tests that go along with that.  Other than thyroid levels being slightly off one time, things have looked pretty good so the not feeling right wasn't making sense.  For the majority of the last two years, I just figured the thyroid medicine wasn't doing its job and I was frustrated with Hashimoto's and hypothyroidism in general.  

This year, my GP spent more time with me at my annual visit because she had a resident with her.  I was able to mention issues that I normally forgot to bring up and would subsequently wave off. Those "little things" led her to add a few different orders to the panel of bloodwork, which ultimately led me to see some specialists and get to where I am now.  

I have had asthma for most of my life so being short of breath wasn't something I was overly concerned about except that getting up the stairs at work had become more challenging (I live in a two-story but don't get winded at home).  My allergist had given me a new inhaler to try at the beginning of the pandemic but it wasn't always doing the trick. That led to me having a chest x-ray, a CT scan, and seeing a cardiologist. None of that showed anything he was concerned about, which seemed to be the end of things with the GP.  Frustrated, I took matters into my own hands, and I made an appointment with an endocrinologist.  She and I didn't hit it off the first visit, but after lots of questions and more bloodwork, I also had a brain MRI and an adrenal CT scan ordered. That triggered a phone call from my GP wondering if I was handling all of the news well enough.  

One of the findings was that I had a baseball-sized cyst on one of my ovaries. I also had some hormones out of wack. Finally, things started to make sense and fall into place. Within about three months I also had an endoscopy with a gastroenterologist, surgery for the ovarian cysts (yes, there were more that hadn't shown up in the scans), a visit with a surgical oncologist, and a visit and exam with a vision specialist. That visit with the oncologist is exactly what you think - for about a week or so, I thought I had cancer.  Technically, all of the tumors in my body that showed up on the scans can grow and spread like cancer cells do which is problematic for the surrounding organs.  I'm not Googling to get this info - one of the specialists actually said, "technically, this is a form of cancer".  

We cried a lot, I told most of my close friends and close family. If you weren't in that number, please don't be offended.  It's not easy to drop that bomb on anyone and the last thing I wanted to do was be Debbie Downer for your day/weekend/vacation.  We never told our daughter because how do you explain something like that to a little person?  Thankfully, when I directly asked the oncologist, "do I have cancer?", he said, "no", but if I want to consider genetic counseling at some point he would back me on that.  

The current status is: I have a tumor in my pituitary (enlarged gland and headaches), a cyst on one of my lungs (labored breathing at times), a tumor on my pancreas (no symptoms), and a benign tumor on one of my kidneys that's been getting watched for the last three years now.  The pancreatic tumor will also get watched annually, and my next eye doctor visit is in 6 months.  In mid-November, I will see a pituitary specialist for the first time.  New medicines, more scans, more blood tests, and possibly more surgery are in my future.  Did I mention that the endoscopy and the laparoscopic surgery were on the same day?  

So, that's what's been up in our house. We are relieved that I am currently cancer-free and although things are still healing from the laparoscopic surgery, I feel much better now that the giant cyst is gone.  The thought of not being around my child or my husband at any point is incredibly sad to me, but thinking you may only have a few years left with them is utterly heartbreaking.  I hope the second chance I feel like we've been given is long-lasting and not a false sense of hope for something worse to come.

 

Drowning Either Way

Last week was rough.  In fact, it seems as though the last two or three weeks have been getting progressively worse.  The thing that has been changing most is work, but I also think in general that I'm getting more depressed.  

Yesterday I cried.  Then I met up with my peeps at Liz's Where Ya At for frozen adult beverages in the new yard.  Today I'm better, although still not myself.  At one point yesterday afternoon, I was feeling philosophical and journaled about the two worst years I could think of - 2005 and 2020.  

The year of Big K, I moved across the country for a guy. We had long-distance dated for a year so we thought we were ready to be roommates and started talking about a wedding.  We learned very quickly that was not the case at all, but I had already given up everything to make it work. Admitting failure was really hard even though it was a very unhealthy relationship. That was March of 2005.  Katrina happened in August of 2005.  My parents and brother and aunt and uncle all helped my grandpa clean out his house that was destroyed by floodwaters near UNO.  It was heartbreaking and it was a terrible turning point for him.  The one small bright spot I remember from that year was that it sleeted on Christmas.  My brother and I were both at our parents and we went out in the yard and took a picture of it collecting in a tree.  

This year, while we're not literally drowning in floodwaters (although we may be after this week thanks to two storms in the Gulf at once - wth, Mother Nature?!), I feel like we're drowning in stuff.  Mental stuff, physical stuff, emotional stuff.  All the time we have at home and to think nowadays actually makes me sadder because there is no place to go when you need a quiet or a mental break.  Then I see all the crap everywhere that is mini-projects taunting me because I don't want to be doing chores all the time when I'm not at the office.  Before COVID times, we would go on field trips or weekend adventures to get away from our tiny, cluttered home.  That doesn't happen anymore.  

While I'm still not as depressed as I was in 2005, this year seems to be dragging on and phase two is going to be our way of life even into next year.  I hope that is not actually the case, but I also don't have much hope for an entrance into phase three without a step backward into phase two before it's all over.  That's my Debbie Downer for the day.  I'll be over here painting a sign with red glitter to bring some sparkle into my life that says, "FFS".  If you don't know what that stands for, you probably shouldn't ask because you won't like it.  It's my current attitude/mood.   

Self Care is Hard

If I made a mental list from my head to my toes, starting after a morning shower, I would likely still be working on things at 6 p.m.  That's how much self-care I normally don't do so it's more than just maintenance that needs doing.  The work from home life, even though it's just a few days a week, makes me much less concerned about what my eyebrows look like or if my fingernails are filed.  CBS Sunday Morning reported that deodorant sales are down during the pandemic - I haven't gotten that bad yet.  

As I age, my eyebrows are actually much easier to keep up with.  It's just a few strays on the outer edges - the middle got trained to stop growing, for the most part, a long time ago.  Leg and underarm hair seem to be growing faster as I age and unfortunately, also not thinning or becoming less coarse.  Overall, my nails and skin are getting drier - except for my forehead - and my scalp hair is changing texture.  

Over the years, I have invested in many skin products and lotions before finally getting the lowdown from my dermatologist, who set me on the right track.  Of course, I bought expensive products from her which I religiously used for the first month or two and then lost my zeal so they just sit on the bathroom counter losing potency.  I just read that Vitamin C lotion doesn't last very long to begin with, and mine has definitely changed color since I started with it.  

I've never been a girly-girl, but I realize especially because I'm a mom, that it's important to take care of myself.  That doesn't make it any easier to accomplish these things I know I should do, though.  Back to this morning: I showered, put the expensive (and probably expired) serums on my face, and trimmed and filed my fingernails.  What I didn't get around to was exfoliating my hands and elbows, putting lotion on my appendages, and most certainly not painting my fingernails a new color.  The main reason I got to do the few things I did do is that my mother-in-law kept our kid for us the whole weekend.  On a school morning, the only way I may get around to lotioning my face is if I spend an extra half hour back at home after carline.  

I know I'm not alone in this struggle, but how are we supposed to keep up with all the things our skin and body needs without sacrificing a significant amount of time?  Even if I would work from home every day or from here on out, I know that I'm just not disciplined enough to make any of this a habit.  The same can be said for any kind of fitness routine.  I need to get 30 minutes of exercise every day, and I know that it doesn't have to be all at once, which makes it even easier to accomplish, but I still don't do it.  It's one of those things that I hope my daughter does much better at than I do when she grows up, but setting the example for her is important, too.  

Independence Day 2020

Happy Birthday to me!  Yes, today I turn 42 years old.  I always see a live fireworks show and spend time with my family.  As with everything else during this "unprecedented time" this year is a little different.  There will be a live fireworks show tonight, but since we're supposed to stay in our cars to watch it, I feel like we should just stay home and I'll watch the Macy's version on TV.  

Yesterday, we went to my brother's house and celebrated his birthday (April), my niece's birthday (May), my dad's birthday (June), and my birthday with an ice cream party and some small fireworks.  The cousins got to play together for the first time in over a month and we all got to have face-to-face conversations instead of text messages or Bluetooth phone calls while driving somewhere.  

Recent phone calls with friends have centered around the rapidly approaching school year (didn't one just end?) and what things may look like as far as distance learning and childcare goes.  While there is complete stupidity on the news with college students in Alabama having parties to see who can catch COVID 19 first, there is also unsettling local instances that the virus is at our doorstep.  

A team of workers at one library branch had to do home quarantine about a month ago, and now an entirely different branch has had to close because of exposure.  Last night, I found out that someone who works in my office building has tested positive for the virus, which made me very upset.  I don't think I have worked the same days recently, but how long are the germs lingering around?  Did I just unknowingly expose my entire family at our birthday gathering yesterday?  We were all outside the majority of the time, but we all hugged and ate together (saliva spreads it).  Should I stop going into the office and go back to only working from home?  Do I need to get retested myself to see if I am a carrier?  How many times will insurance cover one person getting tested?

My husband and I got tested a few weeks ago because of the "outbreak" in Hammond bars and one of his coworkers was ill for a few days.  Thankfully, no one actually had the virus at his work and our tests came back negative.  Our daughter has been going to summer camp since they opened in June and while young kids aren't the high-risk category you hear about on the news, there's no way to know how careful other parents are being at home even though the actual camp and counselors are taking lots of precautions.  

I hope this year has a sparkle to it in some way sooner than later.  Right now it's in the small things.  I had my birthday tradition of a custard fruit tart for breakfast with my immediate family.  Yesterday I spent time with my side of the extended family, and last night we started watching "Hamilton" on Disney+.  I slept pretty well, and plan on relaxing all day at home.  

Happy Fourth of July, everybody!

Phase 2

Summer camp has finally started!  Y'all, when the meteorologists kept talking up TS Cristobal I was hoping it was just going to blow over.  We see now that didn't happen, but when camp officially started on Tuesday, I'm sure I was one of many parents who rejoiced and relished in the uninterrupted quiet for seven hours. 

I am still working from home, but I'm also experimenting with going into the office a bit more this week just because I can now.  There is a quiz on either the state or the governor's website that is for anyone to assess whether or not they should return to work yet.  Unfortunately, no matter how many times I changed my answers a smidge (Hashimoto's (autoimmune) disease, my allergy symptoms), me having asthma continuously puts me at 'high risk' and I should still be working from home as much as possible.  Maybe I'm making a mistake, but I want to keep going into the office.  I think I probably shouldn't be running errands; like, my job isn't putting me at risk but going out in public in general is.  

I would like to take the antibody test to see if I've already had the virus. Just before this was about to become the weirdest time of our lives, my daughter and I both got sick.  I felt ill enough that I used a lot of sick time from work; however, I never had fever so I wasn't eligible to get tested back then.  My allergist gave me a new inhaler and my symptoms improved; although, the nurse at the office gave me wide eyes when I mentioned I was having trouble breathing.  My daughter had a very slight fever and a cough and went to the doctor twice, but never the shortness of breath.  Together, our symptoms would have gotten us both tested, but separately we didn't meet the criteria at the time.  Now I think anyone who wants to get tested can.  

Anyway, phase two has introduced the current and more hopeful "new normal" for us.  I am looking forward to a routine that includes being healthier mentally and physically.  Days that I go into the office - the ones that my assistant isn't there, my child is at camp, and my husband is at work - will be just like a pre-COVID life workday during the school year.  Days that I work from home can include a walk or a bike ride at some point in addition to getting my thoughts together without interruption.  One friend said that if their kid is awake, they're talking.  Mine is the same way.  We mean that lovingly, of course, but there is also a lot to be said for uninterrupted thinking. 

The next thing to decide is how many face masks does one need.  I mean, it is the new fashion accessory these days, and I'm all about accessories!  

Moving Right Along

There is something perfect about a rainy summer afternoon.  When it's as hot and humid as it's been a good thunderstorm like we experienced today restores balance.  It also means I don't have to go outside and sweat while staring into the sun playing catch, or getting attacked by mosquitoes while we attempt whatever other sports in the yard.  Yes, that sounds terrible and also like I don't enjoy sports or being outside.  Quite the contrary, but I do not like the heat.  Once temperatures rise to the mid-80s, I tap out.

Today we took a fairly big step in the right direction concerning moving.  Actually, the day that hubs got a new real estate agent for his place in Scott was even bigger than this, but today we got a mini-storage!  We've only been talking about it for over a year...

I've mentioned previously that our daughter's bedroom was my former art studio.  When I bought the condo we live in, I was single and it was the perfect "starter home" for me.  Our now almost six-and-a-half year old needs more space, and I don't have a great spot or the time to do many art projects anymore.  Plus, having extra storage is forcing me to truly purge and organize what I truly want to keep.  For me at least, one of the blessings of motherhood is having a better grasp of what I spend time caring about. 

It's a family trait on my side to hoard and half finish projects.  My dad, my husband, and my sister-in-law all have to put up with their partner's ADD and clutter - but we're all creative and resourceful!  Seriously, though, and as odd as it may sound, I am glad to have the fire lit under me to really get this organizing and moving process, well, moving along!  And what better time to do something like this than a long weekend and while  I'm still mostly working from home. 

As we're likely all learning in one way or another during this unprecedented (hehe, nod to Jim Gaffigan) time - baby steps.  Everyone doesn't have to happen at once and the more we can slow down our thoughts and actions the more we can be in the present and see what is truly important.