A Chip Off the Old Block

Today was our girl's first track meet! Honestly, out of all of the things that I thought I'd be most excited about as her mom, I wouldn't have guessed it would be this, but here we are!  She ran in the third heat of the girls' 100 meters.  I'm trying to remember, but I think the first heats are the slower runners, and the later you get, the faster the runners. You know, save the best for last.  

In case you didn't know, I ran track and cross country in high school, and I was good.  I was seventh in the state for girls' 800 meters and tenth for girls' cross country, and I had multiple scholarship offers to run in college, including one from Harvard.  Mandeville High School boys and girls track and cross country teams were consistently in the top five in the state. I believe the year that I placed 10th, our team came in first. Hey, I don't often brag, so this is my moment to gloat.

Her next meet will be at my alma mater so I'm sure that I'll take an even more in-depth trip down memory lane. Training year-round for a high school team is much different than for a short season for an elementary school team, but if she's inspired to take up running as a hobby, I'll be right there alongside her! Her dad and Merle will likely join us, so it can be a family affair.    

  

The Toddler and the Tweenager

People aren't lying when they tell you that time goes by so fast when you're raising kids. We suddenly have a tween in our midst. The attitude started several months before her most recent birthday, but I feel like now that she's officially in that age bracket, everything has been amplified.  

Merle is like having a toddler - he's into everything while we're gone. He won't turn two until this August. I know his puppy habits won't magically disappear when he has his birthday, but maybe they'll start to ween themselves out.  

Lent started yesterday, and I decided to give up more sugar than I usually do for the season.  Walking Merle has helped me lose five pounds in about two and a half months, but I'd like to lose at least five more. Wine, especially white wine, has a decent amount of sugar in it.  Last night, all I wanted was a piece of chocolate for dessert!  The way things have gone today, I wonder if I'll last all forty days without anything sweet besides fruit; which brings up an interesting point.  As I type this, I'm trying to rationalize giving up wine - grapes are fruit, and I'm not giving up apples, pears, citrus, berries, or any other type of natural sweets...  

I think I'll go do a face mask and try to relax. 

Children!

Hold up!  Peanut butter bacon shake at Sonic....skkkkeeerrrrt!!!!!

And now, back to these messages. Sorry, the TV commercial diverted my attention.

Y'all, today my daughter was out of school and I was off of work for MLK, Jr. Day. She's almost officially a tweenager (in 10 days she'll hit double digits!) and has a semi-'tude every ten minutes, and our furry boy ran away.  

We've had him for two months now, and even though he has definitely had some training, he's still a puppy and has a lot to learn.  There are a lot of times that I think back to the days of Dash and Rusty, the dachshunds that my parents had. Dash was an empath. If I was sad, he would snuggle and if he was not keen on a boyfriend of mine, he'd let me know every time the guy was visiting my parents's house.  Unfortunately, he did not care for my college boyfriend or my husband - the two best guys I dated out of many unqualified candidates. 

Merle is not an empath at all. When our girl has gotten upset, he still wants to play fetch. Today when he wandered off and the neighborhood kids went on a search and rescue mission for me, he seemed unphased that "Sissy" was crying that he may be gone for good. In my mind only, I kept thinking, "Get it together, kiddo! We've got to stay level-headed to find your brother!". Out loud, I just divvied up the teams and sent them on their mission. The boys found him sniffing around a friend's yard around the block. The girls went running toward them, all screaming his name when he was galavanting toward me like, it was his time on the podium at the Olympics.  

Our tweenager's main priority is her friends. Even though she was crying from the get-go about Merle, she went right back to playing with her friends as soon as he got his leash hooked on and walked back up the driveway. Tonight, she didn't spend any more time with him than normal.  She had dinner with us, showered, and played Switch, just like always.  Sigh. Between her and Merle, I'll be having daiquiris for breakfast before my fiftieth birthday.  

Best Friend, Merle

We've adopted a dog!  Our little human has always wanted a younger brother, and now she has one - he's just fluffy!  Merle is about a year and four months old.  We discovered him at a Humane Society adoption event at the church parish fair and did a weekend sleepover.  He made a great first impression on us.  He was already fully potty trained and knew basic commands, and he was great with the fair crowds and other pups.  

The following Monday, my husband and I officially adopted him. He's such a sweet and good boy.   His paperwork says that he's part Australian Shepherd, but he's got long legs, so we think he may also be part Catahoula or another type of herding dog.  He's very smart and energetic, so he needs lots of activities to keep him from getting bored and destructive.  

He's the biggest dog that I've ever had.  My parents' first child was their black lab, Soapy (Sapporo).  Sadly, he got hit by a car when I was in early elementary school and had to get put down.  Then, when I was in college, Mom and Dad had two mini-dachshunds.  They were around until I was in my thirties.  Both dogs lived into their teens.  I don't like dog years, but if you do that math, they were old guys.  Anyway, none of them were as big as this guy is, and he thinks he's smaller than he is, too!  The other night, he climbed up on my husband and I's laps to snuggle.  It was adorable, all fifty-plus pounds of him!

Now I can say that I'm mom to a human, plants, and a pup!  

It's Halloween, Y'all!

 My favorite time of year is here!  We've got a very busy weekend ahead.  Yesterday at work was costume day, and I dressed as "new school Cruella".  If you haven't seen the new movie, you need to.  My parents even like it because of the soundtrack.  It was what we were all watching together right before we lost power when Ida blew in.  

Today was a Witchy Luncheon at Dickie Brennan's Steakhouse with girlfriends and tonight was Trunk or Treat at little one's school.  I was a witch all day.  At school, she dressed as Mal from The Descendants, and tonight she was a Saints cheerleader.  Tomorrow night we're trick or treating in a school friend's neighborhood and I'll be a bat. She's going to be Elsa from Frozen 2.  Actual Halloween night in our neighborhood I'll be Cruella again, but a different version and she and her dad will be Dalmatians.  Bonus that the weather will actually be fall like, and they won't sweat to death in their outfits.  

Costuming has always been my jam, but I'm extra happy that she and my husband get into it, too.  In fact, he's diehard family costume guy.  A couple of years ago, we talked about him being Willy Wonka, her being an Oompa Loompa, and me being one of the bratty girls from the movie.  He's still bitter that it didn't work out.  

The amount of candy that has already been accrued just from tonight and today at school is impressive.  I can't imagine how much the next two nights will bring.  We moved with leftover candy from past holidays between the condo and here.  So much of it was stale and should have been trashed long ago.  It just got finished like a month ago.  Never again.  If there's leftover candy from this Halloween, it's got to be gone by Christmas.  Then the leftover Christmas candy needs to be gone by Valentine's Day, and Valentine's Day needs to be gone by Easter.  No more saving it for months - that's disgusting.  

We're all looking forward to Halloween in our new house and new neighborhood.  Apparently, it's quite a party with everyone setting up at the ends of their driveways and handing out candy to the masses; like, supposed busloads of trick or treaters.  It's also been awesome to decorate inside and outside.  I had to throw away a lot of decorations this year because a glass globe full of glittery water broke in a tote (assuming during the move) and mold grew on just about everything stored in there.  Turns out, I didn't need all those decorations anyway.  This house is twice the size of the condo and I had plenty of décor to space around.  

Cheers and Happy Halloween, y'all! 

Life As We Know It

Friends, I am so happy to let you know that we are finally moving!  We are buying a house that is about double the size of the condo we have been cramped in for so many years.  It's in a neighborhood that has covenants to prevent the trash and Sandford and Sons look that our current neighborhood has.  The streets are clean, the yards are well-kept, it's bike-friendly, the neighbors acknowledge you and wave when you drive by, and people take pride in their homes and possessions.  In short, "we're movin' on up"!

Speaking of song lyrics, what's a move without a playlist?  If I didn't tell you it was about moving, you may think it's a breakup song list.  I guess in a way, it is.  I've lived in this condo for almost fourteen years.  My now husband joined me eight years ago, but prior to that, it was just me and my dating foibles.  Between my mid-twenties and early thirties, you could say that I was "sewing my wild oats". I had fun, but there was also a lot of heartache.  A long-time friend said that within a year or two after moving in here, I started having neighbor troubles and things went downhill from there. That's a long time to be depressed about where you live.  

That same friend suggested that I turn all of the negatives into a gratitude list about moving. For example, rather than getting frustrated that I can hear guitar practice through the wall, now I can say, "only x number of days until we never have to worry about that again!".  We have a literal countdown calendar on the fridge.  As of today, there are only sixteen days until the act of sale!  

Going through this home buying process with my husband is something that is bonding us for life.  While that seems so obvious, I mean it in that working together to make this dream of ours come true is further proof that we really are a team with the same interests and goals.  Sure, we're two different people who go about life in different ways at times and we don't always understand each other's reactions to situations, but this is us getting down to business and things are going pretty smoothly.  That's a really good and reassuring feeling.  

Our kiddo is still not nearly as excited as we thought she would be about the process, but she is looking forward to decorating her new room and having her own bathroom.  She's already planning sleepovers and hoping to make some nicer friends.  As her parents, we are looking forward to nicer kids for her to play with also, in addition to the debris-free streets to ride her bike on to the neighborhood park.  It's a huge sigh of relief to finally be able to say, "the dog days are over"!

The Back Burner Again

Mental health has fallen out of the focus of politicians and the news media again.  Yes, it's very important to get the vaccine to everyone ASAP and, all of the disenfranchisement and racial disparity in our country should be in the spotlight.  However, literally, everyone needs mental help with the prolonged abnormal life we have all been living for a year.  According to Dr. Fauci, things might be closer to how they used to be by August.  Of course, the global warming winter storms in states like Texas that aren't prepared for weather conditions like that slows shipments and deliveries of everything down - regular mail and highly sensitive packages like the vaccine.  Supposedly, we might have a normal Christmas.  Ugh.  

I've noticed that in our household, pandemic life has affected me the most.  Our daughter goes to private school and has been attending face-to-face the entire year.  They started at the usual time in August and have had a regular holiday schedule all year.  There are restricted gatherings at lunch, recess, Mass, and aftercare, but she still gets to see friends and have a semi-normal routine.  My husband has had almost no change in his daily routine briefly when all of this began.  At my office, we have split staff so that if there's an issue, contact tracing will be easier.  That makes communication between my assistant and me challenging and at times very frustrating.  I also prefer to work in my office and not from home.  I need that separation of space, but also don't have the space to set up an office at home.  

Being at home more allows for getting more chores done during the week instead of on weekends, but I also feel like I am doing more than anyone else that lives here, and harbor resentment sometimes.  When my family members seem not to notice, I get more aggravated, which leaves me not enjoying our time together like I should.  Lately, I feel like that's more the norm than not, and that's not good.  What all of it boils down to is that regular people like me - some boring white lady who is still securely employed, don't have to worry about eviction, or starving for food, and doesn't need to homeschool her kid, still needs mental help.  

It's not just the chores and project weight I feel so often that's getting me down; I haven't seen my friends in person in almost a year.  Sure, there have been a handful of times that I have had a lunch date or even gotten a drink, but other than getting together with family over the holidays or chatting with a coworker in the hall on days that I'm in the office, I am now a homebody.  That's a stark contrast to pre-pandemic me, and against my nature.  My best friend and I have literally not seen each other since last March and we only live ten minutes away from each other.  We talk on the phone once or twice a week, but it's not the same.  We need to go out to lunch or dinner and have a few drinks together without the interruptions of call waiting or curbside pickup on the way home from work.   

Lastly, while I believe it is important to sanitize and be more hygienically responsible than we all used to be, even just for allergy's sake, I am tired of wearing a mask.  Don't worry - it's not something I'm going to stop doing until it is deemed safe by the CDC or a trusted expert, and I'm not joining the "you're taking away my personal freedom" club by any means.  It's like wearing a winter coat and layers at this time of year or even carrying a purse.  It gets annoying after a while.  

Living with Intention

Most of us make new year's resolutions and promptly discard them because we lose motivation.  I'd be lying if I said things were any different this year, BUT I'm hoping that because of what my goal is, it will help.  

Living with intention means that I will think before I act, make a final decision, or speak.  It's been increasingly apparent that our kiddo hears almost everything we say even if we're whispering.  There are a lot of expressions that I personally have used over the years that she has begun repeating.  While they might be funny at home, or not funny but tolerable to us, we also know she would get in pretty big trouble if she said these things at school.  

When she was little, we worried that her dad's conversational cursing (he works in a brewery, and they curse all day long) would be an issue.  He was really good at quickly breaking that habit, but then I turned out to be the one with the bad mouth!  It's still a challenge to bite my tongue when I'm frustrated; however, we keep telling her not to repeat those words here or at school. There was one day that she spilled her water cup all over the dining table and she said something like, "Christ dammit!".  

It's not always words, though. I have been wanting to decrease my waist size for years and setting the intention to eat mindfully and get more physically active are the only ways that is ever going to happen for me.  I notice that if I write down my mental to-do list, including intentions, I am more likely to achieve those goals.  Thoughts like: "Am I really hungry, or am I just bored?"; "Am I just shoveling food into my mouth, or am I eating slow enough to notice when I'm full?"; "When is the last time I got up and moved (my fitness tracker reminds me once an hour)?"; "When is the last time I drank a full cup of water?".  If I can get myself in the habit of mentally checking in, then I can also be more present for my family members when we're all together because I've been taking care of myself.  

Last year, those two weeks that I thought I had cancer made me face reality - we don't know when our last day here is.  Especially now with all of the new strains of COVID appearing, staying in the present moment is of utmost importance.  I want to be more mindful of my contributions to my health so I know that I am taking an active role in my well-being. 

Flying by the seat of our pants is fine for social events, but for everything else, I am asking "what brings me joy?" or  if a certain outcome or choice is "speaking to me".  So far, my husband and our girl have not caught on to this concept in the least. It is my resolution, though, not theirs.  

Holiday Traditions

Y'all, I could have sworn I'd done a post on this another year, but hooray for you and me, this is a first!  

A lifetime ago, my college boyfriend's mom asked what my family's holiday traditions were.  I didn't know what to say - we didn't really have any!  She seemed to think I was an even bigger weirdo after that. The only thing I can think of to this day is that I remember my parents having the entire family over on Christmas Eve - aunts, uncles, cousins, grandparents, great grandparents, great aunts and uncles, and so on. There was a dining table literally full of food and my cousin and I were in heaven with all of the presents that were just for us (our younger siblings hadn't been born yet).  I have no idea how many times that happened, but it definitely all stopped when my maternal grandmother passed away (I was 8 that year).  

My husband and I are pretty fly by the seat of our pants people and by nurture so is our girl.  Nevermind that I plan programs for my day job; it's like I'm two different people when it comes to work and home.  Anyway, the last ten months have really put a damper on our weekend adventures.  I don't know that our former lifestyle would be considered a tradition of any sort anyway.  

Thanksgiving and Christmas both have our extended familial gathering traditions, though.  Thanksgiving day is always spent with my in-laws and the menu is identical from year to year.  Whichever day we get together with my side of the family (see where the non-commital trait comes from?) post-Thanksgiving day, my sister-in-law is the main chef and we gather at she and my brother's house.  Christmas Eve is always spent with my family in hopes of my future house becoming the hub for that event.  Christmas Day is always spent at my in-laws with the identical meal that we have at Thanksgiving.  

This year my side of the family is trying a tapas approach to the holiday meal.  My sister-in-law grew up in southern Florida and her family incorporated a lot of Hispanic culture in their holiday celebrations.  They used to do a late-night dinner with a spread of Cuban food.  I guess it's the Hispanic version of the Creole influenced midnight Mass and Revillion dinners that many people do in New Orleans. 

On that note, I'd like to try a seafood Christmas dinner one year.  When I was pregnant many years ago, my husband and I drove to see the Christmas Eve bonfires along the river.  That is definitely something I want to load up the kid cousins for one year.  Oh, and Celebration in the Oaks is an annual event that I have brought from my childhood into adulthood.  

Other than that, I like some non-traditional Christmas tunes and I am totally open to goofy Christmas card photos and some kooky ornaments, but I also love the classic songs, vintage looking cards and decorations.  Is your family traditional or do y'all change it up a lot?  What is the magical ingredient that makes it feel like the holidays for you?  

Love in the Time of COVID

I went to the same school in kindergarten as I went to fourth through sixth grade.  While I was there, my big crush was on David Mueller.  His dad runs the WWII Museum in New Orleans nowadays if you're looking for context.  My childhood friend, Noelle, and I would chase David around the playground at recess.  One day my favorite teacher "pulled us over" and gave us a verbal scolding for essentially harassing David.  She wasn't wrong; we basically were since we were so obsessed with him. I don't know that he really minded, though.  When Noelle and I were in college he came to visit and must have called my dorm room six times before I got home from class.  When I finally went over to Noelle's room to visit, he was all flirty.  Our moms were close friends all through our childhood so everyone was in on what was happening from day one.    

All of my life I was boy-crazy.  When I went to a different school for first through third grade, I had a crush on a boy named Jesse (sorry, don't remember his last name).  He was always nice to me, but he had a girlfriend named Joy.  I hated her and she was always snooty to me.  Lol!  Young love. 

Our girl had a "boyfriend" when she was in daycare.  He'll be referred to as "M".  They go to different schools now, but every now and then they'll see each other at a birthday party, or have a Zoom call.  The other day, she and I were getting home from school and she announced that her neighborhood friend that we'll call "J" was "so sweet and so cute".  Later that evening at dinner, she said that they give each other "kissies".  I had to ask what that meant - thankfully, it's kisses on the cheek and nothing more.  The weird twist is that J's dad and I were involved several years ago.  The kids don't know that, but my husband and J's mom know that.  It's all fine since they're young and innocent now, they just can't get together in high school.  😉 

Other than my crushes all through school, I didn't actually date until high school.  My husband, on the other hand, had all the little "girlfriends" from a young age like our daughter.  I find it entertaining but also a little baffling mostly because I don't want our girl to grow up too fast.  I was playing with Strawberry Shortcake, Cabbage Patch dolls, and Barbies at her age.  She loves her Barbies and Legos, but also seems to come out of nowhere with some outfits she wants to go play in when it involves J.  

I'm sure it's all fine.  Today they acted like street musicians and sat at a patio table playing guitar (him) and ukulele (her).  Other times they build forts and play house in the treehouse his dad built him. There's nothing I need to worry about, right?  She's got another crush at her school, too.  She said that she doesn't know which boy to marry!  Y'all.  Boy. Crazy. up in here!

Getting Older

Eight years ago today, my husband and I had our first date.  We met Halloween night as strangers in a bar, and within 24-hours we intentionally met again in a cemetery to photograph candlelit graves for All Saints Day.  After that, we went to eat dinner at a local restaurant (which we will be visiting for a meal today, as we do every year) to celebrate.  That same restaurant is where he proposed to me one year after our first date.  Our girl was born two and a half months later.  

We were in our thirties when we met.  I think a big reason we were as social as we used to be pre-COVID times is because we were still dating in a way, even though it was no longer just the two of us.  If you did the math, we didn't have much "just the two of us" time before we became parents.  Another reason we used to take so many family field trips is because of FOMO (fear of missing out).  I have an invisible to-do list that is made up entirely of experiences that gets longer and longer, the more I find out about what's going on.  

Now that we are both in our early forties, we have noticed a significant change in our bodies.  We both need to lose weight for one, but we are also finding ourselves with more aches and pains.  Keeping up with our first grader is physically challenging at times.  Current lifestyle restrictions have slowed us down a lot so we are home more and take weekends much easier than we used to.  That's probably a good thing for multiple reasons, and it's also likely made us more aware of body issues.  Ibuprofen, Aleve, heating pads, and ice packs are becoming our good friends.  

I feel guilty that we aren't able to keep up as younger parents might with their energetic children.  My parents were in their mid-thirties when I was six years old. Some of our daughter's friends have much younger parents.  On the other hand, most of our friends had kids later, too, so we're all in the same boat as far as energy levels and aging bodies go.  In that light, I feel less guilty.  Our girl loves us no matter what and doesn't know the difference between us now and us eight years ago.  

My husband gave me a card once that said, "I wish I'd have met you sooner so I could love you longer".  I wish that, too.  And there is no one else that I'd rather be getting older with than him, aches and pains or not.  

Scary and not in a Halloween way

I wasn't sure if I wanted to blog about this, but then I thought, why not?  As with any of my posts, maybe I'll help someone in some way who may be going through a similar situation.  

Full disclosure, I haven't felt "right" in over two years.  Each year I get my wellness exam and have a full workup of the blood tests that go along with that.  Other than thyroid levels being slightly off one time, things have looked pretty good so the not feeling right wasn't making sense.  For the majority of the last two years, I just figured the thyroid medicine wasn't doing its job and I was frustrated with Hashimoto's and hypothyroidism in general.  

This year, my GP spent more time with me at my annual visit because she had a resident with her.  I was able to mention issues that I normally forgot to bring up and would subsequently wave off. Those "little things" led her to add a few different orders to the panel of bloodwork, which ultimately led me to see some specialists and get to where I am now.  

I have had asthma for most of my life so being short of breath wasn't something I was overly concerned about except that getting up the stairs at work had become more challenging (I live in a two-story but don't get winded at home).  My allergist had given me a new inhaler to try at the beginning of the pandemic but it wasn't always doing the trick. That led to me having a chest x-ray, a CT scan, and seeing a cardiologist. None of that showed anything he was concerned about, which seemed to be the end of things with the GP.  Frustrated, I took matters into my own hands, and I made an appointment with an endocrinologist.  She and I didn't hit it off the first visit, but after lots of questions and more bloodwork, I also had a brain MRI and an adrenal CT scan ordered. That triggered a phone call from my GP wondering if I was handling all of the news well enough.  

One of the findings was that I had a baseball-sized cyst on one of my ovaries. I also had some hormones out of wack. Finally, things started to make sense and fall into place. Within about three months I also had an endoscopy with a gastroenterologist, surgery for the ovarian cysts (yes, there were more that hadn't shown up in the scans), a visit with a surgical oncologist, and a visit and exam with a vision specialist. That visit with the oncologist is exactly what you think - for about a week or so, I thought I had cancer.  Technically, all of the tumors in my body that showed up on the scans can grow and spread like cancer cells do which is problematic for the surrounding organs.  I'm not Googling to get this info - one of the specialists actually said, "technically, this is a form of cancer".  

We cried a lot, I told most of my close friends and close family. If you weren't in that number, please don't be offended.  It's not easy to drop that bomb on anyone and the last thing I wanted to do was be Debbie Downer for your day/weekend/vacation.  We never told our daughter because how do you explain something like that to a little person?  Thankfully, when I directly asked the oncologist, "do I have cancer?", he said, "no", but if I want to consider genetic counseling at some point he would back me on that.  

The current status is: I have a tumor in my pituitary (enlarged gland and headaches), a cyst on one of my lungs (labored breathing at times), a tumor on my pancreas (no symptoms), and a benign tumor on one of my kidneys that's been getting watched for the last three years now.  The pancreatic tumor will also get watched annually, and my next eye doctor visit is in 6 months.  In mid-November, I will see a pituitary specialist for the first time.  New medicines, more scans, more blood tests, and possibly more surgery are in my future.  Did I mention that the endoscopy and the laparoscopic surgery were on the same day?  

So, that's what's been up in our house. We are relieved that I am currently cancer-free and although things are still healing from the laparoscopic surgery, I feel much better now that the giant cyst is gone.  The thought of not being around my child or my husband at any point is incredibly sad to me, but thinking you may only have a few years left with them is utterly heartbreaking.  I hope the second chance I feel like we've been given is long-lasting and not a false sense of hope for something worse to come.

 

Drowning Either Way

Last week was rough.  In fact, it seems as though the last two or three weeks have been getting progressively worse.  The thing that has been changing most is work, but I also think in general that I'm getting more depressed.  

Yesterday I cried.  Then I met up with my peeps at Liz's Where Ya At for frozen adult beverages in the new yard.  Today I'm better, although still not myself.  At one point yesterday afternoon, I was feeling philosophical and journaled about the two worst years I could think of - 2005 and 2020.  

The year of Big K, I moved across the country for a guy. We had long-distance dated for a year so we thought we were ready to be roommates and started talking about a wedding.  We learned very quickly that was not the case at all, but I had already given up everything to make it work. Admitting failure was really hard even though it was a very unhealthy relationship. That was March of 2005.  Katrina happened in August of 2005.  My parents and brother and aunt and uncle all helped my grandpa clean out his house that was destroyed by floodwaters near UNO.  It was heartbreaking and it was a terrible turning point for him.  The one small bright spot I remember from that year was that it sleeted on Christmas.  My brother and I were both at our parents and we went out in the yard and took a picture of it collecting in a tree.  

This year, while we're not literally drowning in floodwaters (although we may be after this week thanks to two storms in the Gulf at once - wth, Mother Nature?!), I feel like we're drowning in stuff.  Mental stuff, physical stuff, emotional stuff.  All the time we have at home and to think nowadays actually makes me sadder because there is no place to go when you need a quiet or a mental break.  Then I see all the crap everywhere that is mini-projects taunting me because I don't want to be doing chores all the time when I'm not at the office.  Before COVID times, we would go on field trips or weekend adventures to get away from our tiny, cluttered home.  That doesn't happen anymore.  

While I'm still not as depressed as I was in 2005, this year seems to be dragging on and phase two is going to be our way of life even into next year.  I hope that is not actually the case, but I also don't have much hope for an entrance into phase three without a step backward into phase two before it's all over.  That's my Debbie Downer for the day.  I'll be over here painting a sign with red glitter to bring some sparkle into my life that says, "FFS".  If you don't know what that stands for, you probably shouldn't ask because you won't like it.  It's my current attitude/mood.   

Self Care is Hard

If I made a mental list from my head to my toes, starting after a morning shower, I would likely still be working on things at 6 p.m.  That's how much self-care I normally don't do so it's more than just maintenance that needs doing.  The work from home life, even though it's just a few days a week, makes me much less concerned about what my eyebrows look like or if my fingernails are filed.  CBS Sunday Morning reported that deodorant sales are down during the pandemic - I haven't gotten that bad yet.  

As I age, my eyebrows are actually much easier to keep up with.  It's just a few strays on the outer edges - the middle got trained to stop growing, for the most part, a long time ago.  Leg and underarm hair seem to be growing faster as I age and unfortunately, also not thinning or becoming less coarse.  Overall, my nails and skin are getting drier - except for my forehead - and my scalp hair is changing texture.  

Over the years, I have invested in many skin products and lotions before finally getting the lowdown from my dermatologist, who set me on the right track.  Of course, I bought expensive products from her which I religiously used for the first month or two and then lost my zeal so they just sit on the bathroom counter losing potency.  I just read that Vitamin C lotion doesn't last very long to begin with, and mine has definitely changed color since I started with it.  

I've never been a girly-girl, but I realize especially because I'm a mom, that it's important to take care of myself.  That doesn't make it any easier to accomplish these things I know I should do, though.  Back to this morning: I showered, put the expensive (and probably expired) serums on my face, and trimmed and filed my fingernails.  What I didn't get around to was exfoliating my hands and elbows, putting lotion on my appendages, and most certainly not painting my fingernails a new color.  The main reason I got to do the few things I did do is that my mother-in-law kept our kid for us the whole weekend.  On a school morning, the only way I may get around to lotioning my face is if I spend an extra half hour back at home after carline.  

I know I'm not alone in this struggle, but how are we supposed to keep up with all the things our skin and body needs without sacrificing a significant amount of time?  Even if I would work from home every day or from here on out, I know that I'm just not disciplined enough to make any of this a habit.  The same can be said for any kind of fitness routine.  I need to get 30 minutes of exercise every day, and I know that it doesn't have to be all at once, which makes it even easier to accomplish, but I still don't do it.  It's one of those things that I hope my daughter does much better at than I do when she grows up, but setting the example for her is important, too.  

Independence Day 2020

Happy Birthday to me!  Yes, today I turn 42 years old.  I always see a live fireworks show and spend time with my family.  As with everything else during this "unprecedented time" this year is a little different.  There will be a live fireworks show tonight, but since we're supposed to stay in our cars to watch it, I feel like we should just stay home and I'll watch the Macy's version on TV.  

Yesterday, we went to my brother's house and celebrated his birthday (April), my niece's birthday (May), my dad's birthday (June), and my birthday with an ice cream party and some small fireworks.  The cousins got to play together for the first time in over a month and we all got to have face-to-face conversations instead of text messages or Bluetooth phone calls while driving somewhere.  

Recent phone calls with friends have centered around the rapidly approaching school year (didn't one just end?) and what things may look like as far as distance learning and childcare goes.  While there is complete stupidity on the news with college students in Alabama having parties to see who can catch COVID 19 first, there is also unsettling local instances that the virus is at our doorstep.  

A team of workers at one library branch had to do home quarantine about a month ago, and now an entirely different branch has had to close because of exposure.  Last night, I found out that someone who works in my office building has tested positive for the virus, which made me very upset.  I don't think I have worked the same days recently, but how long are the germs lingering around?  Did I just unknowingly expose my entire family at our birthday gathering yesterday?  We were all outside the majority of the time, but we all hugged and ate together (saliva spreads it).  Should I stop going into the office and go back to only working from home?  Do I need to get retested myself to see if I am a carrier?  How many times will insurance cover one person getting tested?

My husband and I got tested a few weeks ago because of the "outbreak" in Hammond bars and one of his coworkers was ill for a few days.  Thankfully, no one actually had the virus at his work and our tests came back negative.  Our daughter has been going to summer camp since they opened in June and while young kids aren't the high-risk category you hear about on the news, there's no way to know how careful other parents are being at home even though the actual camp and counselors are taking lots of precautions.  

I hope this year has a sparkle to it in some way sooner than later.  Right now it's in the small things.  I had my birthday tradition of a custard fruit tart for breakfast with my immediate family.  Yesterday I spent time with my side of the extended family, and last night we started watching "Hamilton" on Disney+.  I slept pretty well, and plan on relaxing all day at home.  

Happy Fourth of July, everybody!

Phase 2

Summer camp has finally started!  Y'all, when the meteorologists kept talking up TS Cristobal I was hoping it was just going to blow over.  We see now that didn't happen, but when camp officially started on Tuesday, I'm sure I was one of many parents who rejoiced and relished in the uninterrupted quiet for seven hours. 

I am still working from home, but I'm also experimenting with going into the office a bit more this week just because I can now.  There is a quiz on either the state or the governor's website that is for anyone to assess whether or not they should return to work yet.  Unfortunately, no matter how many times I changed my answers a smidge (Hashimoto's (autoimmune) disease, my allergy symptoms), me having asthma continuously puts me at 'high risk' and I should still be working from home as much as possible.  Maybe I'm making a mistake, but I want to keep going into the office.  I think I probably shouldn't be running errands; like, my job isn't putting me at risk but going out in public in general is.  

I would like to take the antibody test to see if I've already had the virus. Just before this was about to become the weirdest time of our lives, my daughter and I both got sick.  I felt ill enough that I used a lot of sick time from work; however, I never had fever so I wasn't eligible to get tested back then.  My allergist gave me a new inhaler and my symptoms improved; although, the nurse at the office gave me wide eyes when I mentioned I was having trouble breathing.  My daughter had a very slight fever and a cough and went to the doctor twice, but never the shortness of breath.  Together, our symptoms would have gotten us both tested, but separately we didn't meet the criteria at the time.  Now I think anyone who wants to get tested can.  

Anyway, phase two has introduced the current and more hopeful "new normal" for us.  I am looking forward to a routine that includes being healthier mentally and physically.  Days that I go into the office - the ones that my assistant isn't there, my child is at camp, and my husband is at work - will be just like a pre-COVID life workday during the school year.  Days that I work from home can include a walk or a bike ride at some point in addition to getting my thoughts together without interruption.  One friend said that if their kid is awake, they're talking.  Mine is the same way.  We mean that lovingly, of course, but there is also a lot to be said for uninterrupted thinking. 

The next thing to decide is how many face masks does one need.  I mean, it is the new fashion accessory these days, and I'm all about accessories!  

Moving Right Along

There is something perfect about a rainy summer afternoon.  When it's as hot and humid as it's been a good thunderstorm like we experienced today restores balance.  It also means I don't have to go outside and sweat while staring into the sun playing catch, or getting attacked by mosquitoes while we attempt whatever other sports in the yard.  Yes, that sounds terrible and also like I don't enjoy sports or being outside.  Quite the contrary, but I do not like the heat.  Once temperatures rise to the mid-80s, I tap out.

Today we took a fairly big step in the right direction concerning moving.  Actually, the day that hubs got a new real estate agent for his place in Scott was even bigger than this, but today we got a mini-storage!  We've only been talking about it for over a year...

I've mentioned previously that our daughter's bedroom was my former art studio.  When I bought the condo we live in, I was single and it was the perfect "starter home" for me.  Our now almost six-and-a-half year old needs more space, and I don't have a great spot or the time to do many art projects anymore.  Plus, having extra storage is forcing me to truly purge and organize what I truly want to keep.  For me at least, one of the blessings of motherhood is having a better grasp of what I spend time caring about. 

It's a family trait on my side to hoard and half finish projects.  My dad, my husband, and my sister-in-law all have to put up with their partner's ADD and clutter - but we're all creative and resourceful!  Seriously, though, and as odd as it may sound, I am glad to have the fire lit under me to really get this organizing and moving process, well, moving along!  And what better time to do something like this than a long weekend and while  I'm still mostly working from home. 

As we're likely all learning in one way or another during this unprecedented (hehe, nod to Jim Gaffigan) time - baby steps.  Everyone doesn't have to happen at once and the more we can slow down our thoughts and actions the more we can be in the present and see what is truly important. 

Persevering

We are now in week seven of this crazy new life.  I have since become a grumpy, (more) judgy, germaphobe compared to my old self.

I do think that part of my mental state is what it is because we are already cramped in this condo.  If we had a real yard and more square footage to spread out in, I think I'd lose my cool less and likely be feel more relaxed.  That's how I feel when I have visited my parents at least, and their house is almost three times the size of where we live.

After a week-long spring break, we're back to virtual classroom learning. Thankfully, there are only a few weeks left of school. The other night I registered her for summer camps, assuming they'll take place.  Of course, now with the extended stay at home order, I wonder if they'll happen at all. If not, this is going to be a very long summer.

When my husband got home from work today I just broke down and cried. Now I'm having a glass of wine. So many things and people needed my attention today, I feel like I've been playing an all day game of Twister and it's exhausting.

The longer this stay at home, live with all these restrictions goes on, the less I see a silver lining. Yes, I'm depressed and deal with anxiety regularly; however, I also am not able to imagine when or how things will go back to what they used to be. Honestly, I don't think they'll ever be exactly how they used to. Part of me is okay with that, but the not knowing what to expect at all is what's making me crazy. Practicing yoga - staying in the present moment - and getting enough exercise (which is not happening) will help, I know. Thankfully, I am able to do zoom yoga through work once a week. It's the only program I have going right now.  Planning a completely virtual summer reading program for the library is not easy since we supply everything that's needed for patrons, but I think it will all work out somehow.

Changing how our brains work that is the hardest part of all of this.  If anyone has any suggestions on how to balance the demands this is making on so many of us, please share. I'm sure we can all use a different perspective.  In the meantime, cheers!

Sunday Evening Post

It's hard to believe we are entering week four of this surreal life.  The learning from home is going pretty well.  Our girl loves that she gets to use the computer all the time, but sometimes her dad and I have scanning issues, like remembering to scan and submit her assignments.  There has only been one day so far that I felt that there was too much work assigned. 

The latest stay at home date of April 30 leaves only two weeks of the school year left before she would have her kindergarten graduation ceremony.  I will be surprised if schools reopen at all this school year, and wonder if the ceremony will be rescheduled at some point.  To be honest, none of us had kindergarten graduations and we were none the wiser.  Maybe the same will work out for this class.  The performance and ceremony for her Pre-K class were absolutely precious so we have that to look back on. 

Working from home is proving to be a constant challenge for me.  While it is awesome to remote into my desktop at the office, I think not having everything that I need in one place (that's also big enough to store and organize it) to do my job makes it that much harder to concentrate.  Also, when I'm at my office, I don't have a person who needs constant attention or help with something.  I do have an assistant who likes to chat, but she's an adult and doesn't feel it necessary to have a running commentary about life.  Yes, I'm being sarcastic, obviously, but also serious. 

All of that being said, the longer this goes on, the more my perspective changes (as I'm sure it does for all of us).  I would never have guessed this would last as long as it has; therefore, I did not plan ahead as far as supplies go.  We have not run out of toilet paper or anything like that, thankfully, but we will run out of flushable wipes and Lysol wipes before it's all over.  I also wish we had a box of disposable latex gloves - one reason is that I will be dying my hair pink this week and the stuff I ordered did not come with any!  The other reason is for when we have to run to the store, although I am grateful for the wipes that every store is providing at the entrances.  And I love getting to see our girl grow up mentally and physically.  She's an amazing little human!

Soundtrack

Music has played an integral part in my life.  I can't think of anyone who hasn't been affected by a song even if they prefer quiet.  This morning as a shot of self-care, I set up the Bluetooth speaker and listened to my Amazon playlist while I showered.  What a difference that made!

The little person of the house, aka The Governor, already has her own taste in tunes.  She also does not like it when I sing and definitely does not like it when I dance.  She has been told but doesn't understand when I was in college, friends and I would go to the Varsity every Thursday night and dance on the front of the stage for hours.  I think it was called "Retro Night", so of course I dressed in-theme wearing seventies and vintage clothes. 

Some songs that have really stuck with me over time and why:

Ingrid Michaelson's "Afterlife" is so appropriate for the current events right now.  I know I discovered her post-college, but I can't remember exactly how or where.

Eliza and the Delusionals is a newly discovered band. The singer is young, but that girl's got some lungs! This would have totally been one of my theme songs when I was dating in my twenties and early thirties - "Just Exist".

Katy Perry's "Wide Awake" is a video and a song that I can watch and listen to over and over to this day.  There are definitely two relationships that this is the theme song for.  While every part of life makes us who we are today, I also hope that my daughter is not as naive as I was when she dates.  That quote about doing the same thing over and over expecting different results means your insane is very true.  Giving up your entire lifestyle for another person or trying to change who you are (as cliche' as that is) is also a horrible idea and should never happen.  Stay strong.  No one is worth all that.

"Sweet Disposition" by The Temper Trap is one of my favorites because it makes me dance, but also because I remember it almost as a signifier that I was in love with my now-husband.  It came on one day when we were getting ready for a date and it was maybe the first time in years that I danced as my true skilless self and didn't care what I looked like.  For whatever reason, I got very self-conscious about dancing in front of other people in my mid to late twenties, so I was very freeing to feel that safe again.

The Cure's "Just Like Heaven" is an older favorite of mine. I think I was introduced to them at the beginning of high school.  A track teammate of mine introduced me to a lot of "alternative" music.  He was actually my first date, but I ended it early because I was bored. He was always really snarky with me after that, which I guess was his defense mechanism but he was still someone I interacted with regularly because of track and cross country meets.  Bands like Psychadelic Furs, Pearl Jam, Dinosaur Jr. and Alice in Chains were some of the other bands I learned about from him.  Either sophomore or junior year of high school, I went to homecoming without a date and my friend Rachel and I danced to "Just Like Heaven" without abandon in the gym.  It was another one of those incredibly freeing moments.

What musicians have influenced you over the years?  Is there a song that makes you want to get up and dance, stirs up deep emotions, or always brings a smile to your face?  If you're a parent, what do you think of the songs your offspring listen to?  I will say that our parents did not listen to the lyrics of some of what we listened to growing up - there's no way!  So many lyrics are obviously about drugs or sex, but I don't remember being censored.  Anyway, jam on!